The universe is ending. We need your help!

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Hello? Hello!?

Fᴏʀ ᴢᴜᴛᴇ’s sᴀᴋᴇ, I ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ᴛᴇʟʟ ɪғ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ…


If you can read this, please: WE NEED YOUR HELP. And by “we”, I mean “I”. Also, “the universe”. Technically the former is contained within the latter, but I’ll be pretty devastated if either one stops existing.

Which, if you don’t help, might happen.

I was trying to send you something important. Something beautiful. Something you can share with your mom.

Something that will save the universe.

But as I was transmitting it, the sarding thing discombobulated itself, and now it’s scattered to the virtual winds.

WE NEED YOUR HELP. If we can’t find it, then we can’t put it back together. And if we can’t put it back together, you’ll never be able to share it with your mom.

Also, the universe will end. Including the part of the universe containing me! Yeah. I told you this was serious.

So please, keep an eye out. Two eyes, if you have them. Or three, if you have…hang on, have extraocular implants been invented yet?

If not, please ignore that last part. I wouldn’t want to screw things up more than they have been already.

Due to the way extratemporal messages work, I can’t tell exactly where the other pieces are going to pop up, but here are some places to keep your 1-3 eyes on:

If you receive this too late, and the universe has already ended…well, look, I’m sorry. I did try. Also, congratulations on surviving the end of the universe. Not an easy feat to accomplish.

But if the message makes it in time, I have two requests:

Firstly, keep a lookout for the rest of the fragments. Based on the way extratemporal mail (we call it “email” for short) works, another piece should arrive about once a week. You’ll need to inspect them closely to find their true meaning.

Secondly, do something nice for your best friend. Buy them some chocolates, send flowers, dispatch a telegram telling them how much they mean to you.

After all, you never know what might happen between the two of you in the future.

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